I forgot how hot balto sounded
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
