I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
