I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
