I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
