Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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