Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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