i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
