I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
