I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
