so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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