Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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