I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
