i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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