Your mouth is God's brothel.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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