I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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