god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He called his prostate his "boner button".
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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