just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
