rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
