i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
