Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
