Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
