I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
