I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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