Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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