chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
