He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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