If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
