his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
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