Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
