Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
