Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
