For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
