Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
she looked like the before picture.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
