Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
She's the barista slut.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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