seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
