About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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