She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
