Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
