Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
then he tried to convert me to islam
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
