soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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