I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
