Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
