Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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