A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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