Who wears a wallet chain?!
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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