i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
