I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
someone threw a dead crab at me
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
