I could have mohawked her pubes.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
