do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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