When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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