don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Randomize
