i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
