When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
